


like the bonfire that burns in worth

by everqueen



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, i'll be honest yall idk if this is... anything, relics are dragons au, wild ride i guess lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2019-12-18 04:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18242186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everqueen/pseuds/everqueen
Summary: the relics but they're dragons! this might very well get buckwild but what else is new(title from "Wasteland, Baby!" by Hozier)





	1. The Phoenix Fire Dragon

It was only supposed to be a quick transport job.

All three of them try their best to ignore how natural it feels to charm the bugbear and goof on Barry and travel through Wave Echo Cave, just as much as they try to ignore the lurking static at the edges of their vision.

The vault door is silver, and set into a wall that is far, far bigger than any chamber in the cave so far. Gundren approaches it confidently, while Taako watches Merle get launched across the room by an umbrella and proceeds to try the exact same thing. Magnus, just to round everything out, suggests that Gundren pee on the door.

He doesn’t.

The vault door swings open anyway.

The vault is much, much bigger than they thought it would be, a cavernous room entirely of shiny black glass. Their boots clink quietly against it as they enter, their shivering reflections dancing as they move. There are no treasures in this vault, but only a single dwarven figure, burned to black, standing in a power stance with both arms raised above his head in front of a large obsidian mound.

“We were promised gold,” Taako says sulkily, crossing his arms.

“Is that my uncle?”

“I’m gonna high five him!”

“I don’t understand,” Gundren grumbles, staring in horror at the vast emptiness of the vault and the body of his father. “What happened?”

Magnus, cheerful, goes up and high fives the dwarven body. As he does, the ground underneath their feet shifts, the glass clattering together in a shower of tinkling, high pitched notes. The ground underneath them is not the ground, but instead gathers itself to form obsidian scales over four strong legs and a powerful body, a sinuous tail curling around it all, lines of veins like glimmering red-gold fire shining forth from just underneath the black glass. The mound behind the dwarven figure rises, two enormous fiery eyes blinking open with a sound like great chunks of ice sloughing off an iceberg. The thick neck curves elegantly above them as the head takes shape, solidifying into the form of an enormous obsidian dragon, two huge wings of fire flaring out for a moment before it settles, gazing down at the four of them.

There is something about this dragon that feels familiar.

“Who dares to claim me?” the dragon rumbles, opening its jaws and revealing impossibly sharp teeth of black glass, licks of flame darting forward as it speaks.

“Uh, you’re a  _ dragon _ , my dude!” Taako says, hands tightening on his new umbrella. “I don’t think anyone could claim you!”

“It is what I am made for.”

“Guys, I kinda wanna ride this dragon,” Magnus says, axe in hand.

“No!” Gundren snaps. “If anyone’s gonna claim this thing, it’s me! Everything in this vault is my birthright!”

“Fellas, fellas, come on,” Merle says placatingly. “It’s a dragon, buddy, you can’t own it.”

“I can offer you power,” the obsidian dragon says, the clinking of its black glass scales reverberating off the stone walls, the fire in its eyes glowing brighter as it fixates on Gundren. “Claim me, and thus claim your vengeance on those who have wronged you.”

“Now hold on--” Magnus starts, but Gundren pushes forward, past the fighter, glaring up at the dragon.

“So I can take my revenge on those godsdamned orcs?”

“That was never proven!” Merle protests, but weakly as the dragon curves over Gundren.

“Yes,” the dragon hisses. “Do you claim me?”

“Yes!” Gundren yells.

The dragon blows out a gout of flame, curving around Gundren but blasting the other three, knocking them back against the stone walls of the vault. The dragon’s tail flips Gundren onto its back and it takes off, blazing a fiery trail out of the vault, Gundren yelling indistinctly from its back.

Killian, fortunately, dodges the dragon and finds them in the still-smoldering vault, the rock itself half-melted from the dragon’s passage. She groans, dramatically, upon finding the three unconscious men, and revives them with a few potions, grumbling all the while.

“I  _ told _ you!” she says, loading her giant crossbow. “You weren’t ready to face the ~~Phoenix Fire Dragon~~ , and now it’s loose! Who claimed it?”

“The what now?” Magnus mumbles, rubbing at his head.

“Static again,” Merle says from the floor.

Taako doesn’t say anything, just offers a prolonged, pained groan.

A dragon is much faster than horses and wagons, but they arrive while Phandolin is still burning.

“And I’m finally strong enough to do something about it!” Gundren yells, feet firmly planted on the ground now as the obsidian dragon roars above him, great wings of flame flared out, bright red-gold veins of fire brightening within.

“Listen, bud, it’ll all be fine, you just gotta call off your dragon--” Barry starts, holding up a placating hand.

Gundren just roars and the dragon follows suit, incinerating Barry with one powerful blast of white-blue flame that levels three buildings as it sears through the air.

“Aw fuck, aw shit, aw no,” Killian says, aiming her crossbow.

“Now hold on, maybe we can talk to him!” Magnus says.

“Fuck that, Taako’s good out here!”

“He’s my cousin!”

“Your cousin’s allied with a  _ dragon _ made of  _ glass _ and  _ fire _ , Merle!”

“Nope, screw this, no way,” Killian says, and fires.

The bolt hits true, puncturing through Gundren’s chest. He screams in rage, the dragon echoing above him, the fire within it pulsating and growing in brightness.

“Shit,” Killian says, lowering her crossbow.

“Yeah no shit!” Taako yells.

“The well!”

“No, that’s my cousin!”

“Nope! The well!” Magnus says, picking him up and bolting for the well.

“Hey!”

They run, feeling the building power of heat and flame at their backs, and leap into the wall just as it breaks, the inferno howling over them. The roar goes on for a solid minute and a half, and when it finally subsides, they emerge to find Phandolin gone, covered instead by a perfect circle of black glass, with a single dwarven figure in the center, in the same pose as the figure from the vault. The dragon is nowhere to be seen.

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Killian hisses.

“No more get togethers at Gundren’s place,” Merle says sadly as they approach the figure.

As they do, the black around Gundren’s burnt feet cracks and splinters before reforming as the obsidian dragon emerges, now about the size of a small house cat. It blinks up at them, the click of its glass eyelids ringing and reverberating off the black glass that used to be Phandolin.

“Claim me,” it rumbles, its voice as deep and burning as it was when the dragon was huge. The flame inside it brightens to a degree that suggests that leveling Phandolin barely touched the thing’s power.

“Nope, don’t fucking do that!” Killian snaps, aiming her crossbow at the thing.

“It’s just a little guy,” Magnus says, holding a hand out towards the dragon and making kissy noises. “I’m usually more of a dog guy!”

“That thing just burned an entire town to the ground!”

“I’m sure it’s chill,” Taako says, staring at the dragon. “You wanna come with us, little dude?”

“Claim me.”

“Screw that, it killed my cousin!”

Taako ignores Merle’s grumbling, instead kneeling and offering his hand to the small dragon, which looks at him with burning eyes.

“You are claiming me?”

“Nah,” Taako says with a grin. “But you can come live in my bag! I can feed you -- Mags, what do dragons made of glass eat?”

“How should I know?”

“You’re the one with all the proficiencies!”

“You both need to back away from that thing so I can kill it.”

“It’s just a little guy!” Magnus protests.

“You wanna come hang?” Taako says, still with his hand out.

The newly small obsidian dragon looks between Taako’s face and his hand, fire licking between its sharp teeth, and then it nods and slithers into his hand. The elf grins and picks it up, tucking the dragon into his bag and standing. “Hell yeah!”

“What the fuck?” Killian demands, lowering her crossbow. “That’s it, all three of you are coming back with me to headquarters.”

Magnus, Merle, and Taako look at each other and all shrug.

“Okay!”


	2. Moonlighting

Headquarters turns out to be a fake moon, all weathered white metal and blue accents, intermingled with tech they’ve never seen before, and a grassy quad that wouldn’t look out of place at Neverwinter University.

It’s a bit of a trip, to put it mildly.

The instant dizziness and nausea they feel isn’t helped by the obsidian dragon poking its head out of Taako’s bag, hissing “ _ Sister _ ,” before ducking back into the darkness.

“Uh, no sisters here, little dude,” Taako says.

“I’m gonna be sick,” Merle announces, before he promptly is, into a nearby trash can.

“Uh, yeah, try some of this,” one of the guards says, eyeing the bag with the dragon in it nervously as he offers them a flask. “I’m Avi. Shit, you guys actually get one? Killian, who  _ are _   these guys?”

“Send em down to the ~~Void Dragon~~ , will ya? I gotta talk to the Director.”

“Send us to the what?”

“Oh, they’re gonna kill us.”

“Not me. I’ve got a dragon in my bag, no way they’re killing me.”

“It’s just the ~~Void Dragon~~ , guys, no one’s killing anyone,” Avi says. “It’ll help with the whole feeling sick thing.”

He sends them across the grassy quad and down a long elevator that seems to sit uneasily in the structure of the base. A bard catches them before the door closes, playing a song that makes all three grown men cry.

He opens the door to a full ball of static in a giant tank that reminds all three of them, uncomfortably, of the static buzzing at the edges of their thoughts all the time. It doesn’t seem to affect the obsidian dragon, who peeks out again and hisses at the static in a bored sort of way.

“It’s not gonna taste  _ great _ ,” Johann says, offering them the vials. “It sort of has the consistency of Go-Gurt, which not a lot of people--”

“Key lime?”

“Not a lot of people get down on, but it’s uh. It’ll change your life.”

“Guys, it’s key lime Go-Gurt.”

The dragon, in Taako’s bag, hisses again.

They drink.

They remember the wars.

And they see the creature, floating in the tank in front of them. It bears some similarities to the larger form of the obsidian dragon, with a long elegant neck, a huge triangular head, and sharp, sharp teeth, but there the resemblance ends. This dragon has no wings, but instead is long and sinuous, its scales a shifting patchwork of glowing stars and gently pulsating galaxies, set against blackness that seems to pull the light from the room with its depth. It swims lazily through the water in the tank, blinking eyes of swirling blue-white fire at them, and as they stare, it sings a low note, resonating through the chamber.

“Holy shit,” Magnus says, staring up at it. “Johann I’m going to steal your dragon buddy.”

“This here’s the Void Dragon,” Johann says. “And uh, welcome, I guess, to the Bureau of Balance. No- no static? Cool. Yeah, so the Director’s gonna wanna talk to you all now that you’ve been inoculated, sooooo.” He looks down at his fiddle, tuning it. “I’ll see you guys later, I guess.”

They go up in a bit of a daze, pointed towards the Director’s office by some of the surprisingly friendly guards. They enter to find an older woman in elegant blue and white robes, of the same color scheme as the base itself. She rises from behind a neatly organized desk when they enter, one hand on a simple white oak staff with a vibrant blue gem set into the top.

“Welcome, the three of you, to the Bureau--”

The dragon pokes its head out of Taako’s bag again and hisses.

The woman blinks a few times, staring at the dragon. It stares back, obsidian teeth clicking together, fiery glow brightening in its eyes.

“I see,” the woman says. “Well. I am the Director--”

“What’s your name?”

“I have a dragon in my bag!”

“Hey, how ya doin, Merle Highchurch, nice to--”

“Shut up old man!”

“Nooooope!”

The dragon hisses again.

“Okay,” the woman says, pinching the bridge of her nose for a moment. “You may call me Madam Director, or just Director, is fine.  _ What _ is that doing in your bag.”

“He’s a dragon!”

“Yes. I can see that.”

“He’s a pretty chill dude, beside the whole uuuuuh turning a town into black glass thing. He lives in my bag now!”

“No, no he doesn’t.”

“It’s  _ our _ dragon,” Merle cuts in, crossing his arms.

“Uh, Madam Director, Magnus Burnsides here, hi, rustic hospitality and all that--”

“Oh yes, I can certainly tell.”

“Right?”

“No, not at all.”

“Well,” Magnus continues, undaunted by the explosion of laughter from Taako and Merle. “What exactly is this organization?”

“The Bureau of Balance has a singular purpose, to collect and destroy the dragons imbued with immeasurable power. You saw--”

She is met by a cacophony of protest, startling the small gnome man who entered the room after them. He jumps, nearly dropping the tray with three well-stuffed coin pouches on it, and walks hastily to the Director’s side, tail twitching nervously.

“Thank you, Davenport.”

“Davenport!”

The three are ignoring this, instead loudly and repetitively protesting the destruction of the dragon, who keeps up a steady low level hissing under all of it. The Director listens to this with a world-weary expression, staring over their heads for a moment like she’s looking directly into a camera, and then she lowers her gaze to the three of them. They all fall silent, save for the dragon, who continues to hiss.

“The Phoenix Fire Dragon currently in your bag, Taako, is one of the seven Grand Dragons responsible for some of the greatest atrocities this world has ever seen. You recall the Dragon Wars now, after your inoculation? They were a result of that dragon and its siblings.”

“I dunno,” Taako says, pulling the tiny obsidian dragon out of his bag. It slinks around his fingers, still hissing at the Director, that fiery glow in its eyes brightening again. “Doesn’t seem like it could plan out a whole war, it just kept talking about one of us claiming it.”

At the words, the dragon lets out a tiny gout of flame.

“That’s because the Grand Dragons were created, not born.”

“Now, hold on.”

“What?”

“It’s a dragon, homie, not like, a gauntlet or something.”

“They were created,” the Director continues, undaunted. “By a group of evil wizards known as the Red Robes. They took magical objects and imbued them with incredible power, transforming them into the Grand Dragons. The Red Robes all disappeared during the Dragon Wars.”

“It’s a dragon!” Merle says.

“Yes,” the Director says, deadpan, after a long, loaded pause. “I have developed a method to destroy the power within the Grand Dragons, to ensure they are never used for such destruction again, so that something like  _ Phandolin _ \--”

“Oh, uh, yeah, our bad,” Magnus admits.

“That one’s on us.”

“Doesn’t happen again.”

“But what about the dragon?” Taako says, looking down at the obsidian dragon in his hands. “You can’t just kill it,” Magnus nods. “Is this method of yours gonna kill it? How many of these dragons have you got, anyway?”

“Well. None.”

“None?” Taako demands over hoots of laughter, laughing himself. The obsidian dragon clinking around his fingers adds a hissing laugh as its glowing fiery eyes continue to stare at the Director. “What have you been  _ doing _ , my dude?”

“We’ve only been in operation about a year and a half--”

“We found this thing by  _ mistake _ !”

“And my cousin,” Merle cuts in.

“The process,” the Director interrupts. “Should merely take away the destructive power imbued into each dragon, rather than killing the dragon itself.”

“Should?” Magnus asks.

“Well yeah, they’ve never tested it, if this is the first one they got!”

“I must ask,” the Director says, eyeing the three of them now, rather than the still-hissing dragon. “How did you resist the thrall?”

“The what?”

“Oh, we’re hella dumb.”

“Now, don’t sell yourself short--”

“No, he’s not, we’re all stupid as hell,” Merle says cheerfully.

“Yep!” from Magnus.

“Yeah, I’m just standing in my truth here. Do all these dragons have a thrall?”

“Yes,” the Director says after another moment of just staring at them. “That’s how they convince people to claim and use them, and thus destroy themselves and others.”

“Like Phandolin!”

“Precisely.”

“Claim me,” the dragon hisses, its internal glow brightening sharply with the words.

“Alright, pipe down, Falkor.”

“So,” the Director says as two guards walk into the room, wheeling a cart with a heavy steel sphere on it. She gestures to the ball as one guard opens a small hatch. “Just pop that bad boy in there and we can get to the, uh, the destroying.”

“But he’s our dragon buddy!” Magnus protests. “We don’t wanna destroy him!”

“The process shouldn’t--”

“Yeah, he’s chill now, he lives in my bag.”

“Shouldn’t  _ kill _ the dragon--”

“He’s  _ our _ dragon.”

“But should only take away the destructive power and deadly thrall it wields.The dragon itself should be… fine? And remain at its current smaller size.”

“Pocket dragon!”

“I’m trademarking that.”

“And should also prevent the further loss of hundreds or thousands of souls.”

Taako hesitates, staring between the dragon in his hands and the metal sphere, and then shrugs. “In ya go, little dude.”

“Claim me,” the dragon hisses as Taako deposits it into the sphere. “Sister.”

At the Director’s nod, the guard wheels the sphere away. The Director steps off away from behind the desk and goes to a small curtain, pulling it back to reveal a large room, featureless and white. The guard leaves the sphere in the center of the room and then the Director taps her staff on the ground. Columns of light pierce the sphere, too bright to see through, and after a few seconds of brilliance they vanish, leaving the sphere seemingly intact. The guard re-enters the room and wheels the cart back into the office, coming to a stop next to the Director, who opens the hatch. She pulls out the tiny obsidian dragon, now no longer glowing with that fierce internal light, although the sharp fire in its eyes remains.

“Sister,” it hisses, baring tiny sharp teeth at the Director as she picks it up.

“No.”

“Okay, so give us back our dragon buddy,” Magnus says.

“Yeah,” Taako agrees, holding out his hands for it, the umbrella swinging from his arm as he does.

The Director’s eyes fasten on the umbrella for the briefest of moments before she nods and deposits the obsidian dragon into Taako’s hands. “It should be largely harmless now,” she says, stepping back behind her desk, her face expressionless. “And I would like to offer the three of you jobs as Reclaimers, to investigate and retrieve the rest of the Grand Dragons as we find them. You will, of course, be paid handsomely.”

“Davenport,” the gnome next to her agrees, gesturing at the coin pouches.

“Fuck yeah, I’m in,” Magnus says.

“Yeah, sure,” Taako says, putting the dragon up on his shoulders.

“Do we get dental? What about general health insurance?”

“Uh, just don’t die.”

“Aw, what?”

“It’s fine, old man.”

“Sister,” the dragon hisses from Taako’s shoulder.

“Davenport will show you to your quarters, and outfit you with the bracers,” the Director says. “Welcome to the Bureau, boys.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been 84 years but finally this bit is done. rockport's next!
> 
> comments/kudos you know i love em
> 
> thanks i love you bye!


	3. The Oculus Dragon

The train is rather more difficult.

Of course, the leeches and the Bodetts are all well and good, and easy to understand. Taako, much to the displeasure of the Director and to the relief of their roommate Pringles, decided on bringing the formerly grand, now pocket-sized, obsidian dragon along with them. He also, inexplicably to Magnus and Merle, chose to name it Lulu.

“Kill,” Lulu hisses as Taako charms the Bodett at the train station.

“No!” Magnus yells.

“Why not?” Merle asks. “It would save us some trouble.”

“We’re not killing Tom Bodett,” Taako declares, pushing Lulu back into his bag. “Shut it, Lulu, you’re gonna get us caught.”

“Kill,” Lulu grumbles as Taako pushes her back down. She nips absently at Taako’s fingers, with no real bite, and subsides as Magnus stumbles his way through talking to Hudson and Merle affects the worst fantasy Scottish accent known to man, dwarf, elf, or magical former weapon of mass destruction dragon.

The train is… odd.

The edges of it seem to… flicker, just slightly, as if the cars are a projection, not quite solid, even as they walk through it. Lulu slumbers comfortably in Taako’s bag as they mock Jenkins and Magnus loses his mind over Jess the Beheader, although she does poke her head out at meeting the Juicy Wizard.

“Oh, it’s not that weird, to have a  _ train _ name! Can I tell you something?  _ Can _ I tell you  _ something _ ? Can I--  _ why do you have a dragon in your bag _ ?”

Lulu hisses as Taako grins and pulls her out. “Oh, you know, that’s just how Justin do.”

“You have a dragon, sirs?”

“Aw, fuck,” Merle mutters.

The boy detective leans over the seat, peering at the dragon in Taako’s hands with intense interest, with the air of looking through a magnifying glass even though he carries no such item. “Wow, I’ve never seen a dragon that small before!”

“Wait, you’ve  _ seen _ a dragon before?” Magnus demands.

“Yeah, spill it little dude.”

“Silver,” Lulu hisses, fiery eyes fastening on Angus.

“Aw, c’mon, he’s just a kid, he’s never seen a dragon before,” Merle says grumpily, dropping the fantasy Scottish accent for a few blessed moments.

“Haha, yeah, obviously, sirs, I’m just a little boy,” Angus says, adjusting his glasses with a nervous smile. “Uh,  _ why _ do you have a dragon in your bag?”

“Because I’m super cool, obviously,” Taako says, placing Lulu on his shoulder.

The dragon moves sinuously around for a few moments before she settles, draped around Taako’s shoulders like a scarf, although her head perks up a moment later, nose towards the ceiling. “Brother.”

“You know, I do feel like you two are my brothers sometimes,” Magnus says, slinging his arms around Taako and Merle.

“Shut up, Mags.”

Not long after, they discover the body, cleanly decapitated and less cleanly de-handed. They pull a fainting Graham away from the blood and the car shivers again, iridescent shimmers of light flickering over their surroundings for the briefest of moments. Lulu raises her head again, hissing “Brother,” but is summarily ignored as Merle leaves his Scuttle Buddy in the main car as they retreat to Angus’s sleeper car to debrief.

“I think there’s something bad going on on this train,” Angus says, quite seriously.

“Uh, yeah, no shit homie.”

“Jenkins just got decapitated!”

“No, that’s not what I mean,” Angus says, frowning and fiddling with his book of interception. “I was hired to catch the Rockport Slayer, yes, but there’s something else going on, something I’ve never seen before.”

“You’re like, a baby, you haven’t seen basically anything.”

“Yeah, how old did you say you were, Angus?”

“Me? Oh me, my age? I- eight, t-te-  _ my _ age? Did I say how old I was earlier?”

“Ten,” Merle says authoritatively.

“Ten it is!”

“Silver.”

“He’s pretty definitively brown, Lulu.”

“Haha, yep, that’s me, Angus McDonald, brown-skinned boy detective!”

“What weird things are you talking about, Ango?” Magnus says.

“Something doesn't seem quite right on this train. Like reality is changing, before our very eyes!”

“Hey, did the uh, Irector-ay say what elic-ay we were supposed to get this time?”

“Whoa, you just staticked out again! What  _ is _ that magic?”

“Nothing, kiddo, nothing,” Taako says hastily. “Merle, what the fuck were you saying? I don’t speak fantasy Italian.”

“That was pig Latin!”

“Gesundheit.”

“Sirs, what are your names?”

“Uh--”

“What’re you talking about, Ango?” Taako asks. “I’m Justin--”

“Leeman Kessler!”

“Uh, what was my name again?”

“No, I mean, what are the real names that aren’t fake that you actually have?”

“Uhhhhh--”

“Ango, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Some boy detective,” Merle scoffs.

“Well I  _ did _ detective good enough to see through your horseshit, so--”

“You -- ow!” Merle winces, hand to his ear. “Guys, something’s going on with Scuttle Buddy!”

Through the earpiece Merle pulls from his ear, the four of them hear the familiar buzzing of the Scuttle Buddy, chirping slightly from its position on the roof of the passenger car, but underneath it is a slow chiming, like tiny crystalline bells, and through the earpiece comes a faint, but distinct, “Claim me.” And then a tiny metallic screech, and the line goes dead.

“Brother,” Lulu hisses from Taako’s shoulders.

“Oh shit, another one,” Magnus says. “Guess it got out?”

“We gotta figure out who murdered Jenkins  _ and _ get another one of these things? And what happened to my Scuttle Buddy!”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about, sirs.”

“Brother.”

“Yeah, yeah, we heard ya firecracker, pipe down.”

“We should at least go out and investigate, but carefully,” Angus says, going for the door.

And then, of course, they have to fight a giant fire crab.

“ _ Jimminy _ , that thing was huge,” a scorched Merle grumbles.

“What do you mean, sir?”

“I  _ mean _ ,” Merle says grouchily, heading back into the passenger car. “That I’m a beach dwarf, kid. I’ve seen those things before. No way a fire crab shoulda gotten that big.”

“Maybe it just seemed big in comparison,” Magnus suggests.

“Hey!”

They walk back into a passenger car transformed.

The car is no longer a standard, plush train car, with rows of seats and a wide aisle, artificial lighting spilling through the wide windows. Instead, the car seems to be built of shifting, iridescent bubbles, all shifting and popping to reveal now a seat carved of rich marble, now one seemingly grown out of wood, another made entirely out of stretchy pink taffy. Graham is pressed against the side of the car as Jess stands in front of him, soulbound ax in her hands, glaring at the ceiling.

“Hey there boys,” she says gruffly, not looking at them. “Do yall know what the  _ fuck _ is going on?”

That chiming sounds again, and all eyes go to the ceiling. There, curled on some newly mossy paneling, lies a small dragon clinging to the moss, pearl eyes blinking towards them. Its body seems to be made entirely of opalescent crystal, different colors and lights shimmering through its body and wings as it shifts, gazing down at them. “Claim me.”

“Oh, it’s just a little guy,” Magnus says. “Not big like Lulu used to be!”

“Brother,” Lulu hisses.

“Uh, Maggie, I don’t think you should touch that--”

“ _ I cast Zone of _ \--”

“No you  _ don’t _ , old man!”

“Another,” the dragon on the ceiling chimes suddenly, its head snapping up to look towards the very back of the train, where the safe sits. It phases through the ceiling and disappears, and after a few moments, the train car goes back to normal entirely.

“Uh--” Taako starts.

“What the fuck was that?” Jess demands.

“I’ve never seen a dragon like  _ that _ before,” Angus mutters, flipping through his notebook and jotting notes. “Sirs, what was it talking about?”

“Uh, fellas, votes on bringing Ango into it?”

“No,” Merle says immediately.

“Yeah, I’m into it,” Taako agrees.

“Into what, sirs?”

“This is a mistake,” Merle grumbles.

“Uh, we’re supposed to catch that thing,” Magnus says. “The little dragon dude?”

“Brother,” Lulu adds.

“We have to figure out who killed Jenkins too,” Merle adds.

“Do we?” Taako mutters. “Kind of a shitty wizard.”

“It said there was another, and then looked towards the caboose!” Angus says. “Maybe the murderer is back there trying to get into the safe!”

“Doesn’t it have some fancy magic on it?” Magnus says.

“Yeah, an employee’s gotta hold their hands against it for an hour.”

“But Jenkins is dead and Hudson won’t come out of the engineer’s car,” Taako says, twirling his umbrella, frowning.

“That’s true, sir, but wasn’t there something else missing from the body besides the head?”

“I don’t wanna think about that,” Graham says, looking like he might faint again.

“Alright,” Jess says gruffly, pushing him onto one of the now-normal seats before he can fall over. “Boys, you got this. I’m gonna keep an eye out for that little dragon and uh,  _ kill _ it, if it tries anything funny again.”

“Well let’s  _ go _ !” Magnus says, heading directly for the door to the caboose.

It’s locked.

“Taako can you do some magic and unlock this?”

“Don’t got those spells, homie.”

“Merle?”

The horrendous fantasy Scottish accent makes its return. “Who’s Merle? I’m Leeman Kessler.”

“Okay so Merle’s got nothing. Ango?”

Angus shakes his head. “Sorry, sir.”

Magnus looks between his friends and the windows. “Fella, I’ve got an idea.”

“Kill,” Lulu hisses once Magnus explains his stupid, stupid plan.

“Yeah, he might,” Taako agrees. “Mags, how the fuck are you not going to die?”

“Listen, it’s physics, it’ll be fine,” Magnus says, tying off the rope.

“How the fuck do you know physics?”

“It’s kid stuff, c’mon.”

“I know what he’s talking about,” Angus chimes in. “Be careful, sir!”

“See, Ango knows!”

“I’m outta spell slots so try not to die,” Merle grumbles.

Magnus does his ridiculous stunt and somehow  _ doesn’t _ die, crashing into the back of the caboose and tumbling into an entirely alien world. The caboose is no longer a simple train car. Instead, the whole scene shifts and shivers, as if seen through a heat haze. Like the passenger car, the materials of the car ripple and change, now metal, now cloth, now something unidentifiable entirely. There are faintly opalescent bubbles floating through the air, emanating from the body of the tiny crystalline dragon. A faint chiming sound fills the air, reminiscent of music or chanting or drums. A few normal things remain, namely, the crypt safe, stark metal against the shifting, changing atmosphere of the car. Jenkins is also there, staring up into the corner with greedy eyes, surrounded by two enormous meat monsters, grown out of the unfortunate Hudson’s severed hands.

“Claim me,” the dragon chimes.

“Don’t mind if I do,” Jenkins mutters, reaching his hands up.

“Nope!” Magnus says, rushing forward and barreling into him, knocking him away from the safe and the dragon and into one of the meat monsters.

“Aw, fuck!” Jenkins yelps as his port wand flies out of his hand. The door slams open, revealing the scene to the others assembled in the passenger car.

The opalescent dragon raises his head, taking in the rest of them. “Claim me.”

“Brother,” Lulu hisses from Taako’s shoulder.

“Sister.”

“Oh, you two know each other, great,” Taako mutters.

“What the fuck?” Jenkins demands, shoving himself up off the meat monster. “I hate you--”

“Come with us, little dude,” Taako says.

“I  _ hate _ all of you--”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun!” Merle adds.

“Sure, I’ll just kill these guys myself!” Magnus yells from where he’s swinging Railsplitter at the meat monsters.

“ _ I hate all of you so much _ .”

“Shut up, Wankins.”

“ _ My name is not Wankins _ \--”

“Claim me.”

“C’mon, little buddy,” Merle says encouragingly. “We live up on the moon, it’ll be fun!”

“Sir, you just staticked out again,” Angus says, pointing his hand crossbow at the nearest meat monster.

“Ango, where the fuck did that come from?” Taako demands, astonished.

“I’ve had it the whole time, sir!”

“They never check the kids, do they.”

“They sure don’t!”

“I’m going to kill everyone on this train, bring you all back to life again, and then I’m going to kill you again.”

The caboose ripples and suddenly the whole car is made of fantasy swiss cheese. The meat monster roars and takes a swing at Magnus as the fighter stumbles through one of the sudden holes in the floor. The opalescent dragon leaps from its shifting perch and sails down to Merle, curling in his hand and hissing “Claim me.”

“Aw, you’re a cute little thing.”

“Brother,” Lulu hisses.

“Sister,” the opalescent dragon hisses back. As he settles in Merle’s hand, the caboose shivers and then is still, returning to its natural state. This, unfortunately, is just enough for Magnus to stumble again as the closest meat monster takes another swing, knocking him into the wall.

Angus looses a mini crossbow bolt, catching one in the shoulder, and then Merle, out of spell slots, tucks the little dragon into his beard and casts Sacred Flame, disintegrating the closest meat monster.

“Fuck!” Jenkins yells. He aims his wand at the remaining meat monster, missing it by a country mile. The miss draws laughter from everyone, from a thoroughly bruised Magnus to even the two small dragons, the newest addition poking his head out of Merle’s beard. The meat monster yeets Jenkins straight out the back of the caboose, following him into death directly after when Angus crossbows the shit out of it and Taako casts a finishing blow of Magic Missile.

“Shitty wizard,” Taako says, looking out the back of the caboose as he high-fives Magnus.

“Uh, guys?” Graham calls from the passenger car. “Train’s still goin! Real fast!”

Somehow, they don’t all die, sending the train hurtling into Jenkins’s lovingly tended garden seconds before it would have crashed into Neverwinter. They divest themselves of the annoyingly perceptive boy detective, Merle cheerfully keeping the new dragon in his beard as Taako stuffs Lulu back into his bag.

“Ya know, I can’t help liking this little guy,” he says as they leave Neverwinter before calling the pod. “He reminds me of someone.”

“How many fucking tiny crystal dragons have you met?” Magnus demands, laughing.

“It’s the effects, reminds him of all those mushrooms he’s done,” Taako says knowingly.

“Alright, wise guys!” Merle grumbles as the pod lands. “I’m just sayin!”

The opalescent dragon seems to bother Davenport, more than Lulu ever did. The Director, rather unwillingly, lets Merle keep him after the power is extracted, seeing how difficult it is to detangle the dragon from his beard. Merle cheerfully names him Cap, and promises to keep him away from Davenport.

“I want one,” Magnus complains as they start to leave the Director’s office.

“Maybe the next one, big guy,” Merle says consolingly.

“Sisters,” the newly christened Cap hisses.

“Sister,” Lulu agrees from Taako’s bag.

“Gods, they’re really focused on family, aren’t they?”

“Yeah! Weird!”

The Director exhales a long, shaking breath, fingers tight on her staff, and stands alone as she watches them leave.

**Author's Note:**

> time for taz dragon week! the original plan for this did not happen whoops
> 
> comments/kudos are amazing, as always!
> 
> thanks i love you bye!


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